Short answer
Keep the message short. Name the person who died. Say one true thing about them or about the person you are writing to. Then offer one specific action you will take. Two or three sentences are enough. A sympathy card is not a place to explain the death, compare losses, or give advice.
Before you write
- A card or blank note card, not a text or an email.
- A pen with dark ink.
- The full name of the person who died and how you knew them.
- The name you use with the recipient, such as a nickname or a formal title.
How to write the message
- Write the recipient's name at the top, using the name you use when you speak with them.
- State your sadness in one sentence, for example, 'I am so sorry to hear about your mother, Ruth.'
- Add one memory of the person who died, or one quality you admired.
- Name one concrete task you can handle, such as picking up relatives at the airport, mowing the lawn, or bringing dinner on Thursday.
- Close with a short line of care, such as 'You are in my thoughts' or 'I will keep your family in my prayers.'
- Sign your full name, and add your return address if the recipient may not recognize your handwriting.
Sample messages
For a close friend
'I have no words for how sorry I am about Dan. He made me laugh until I cried at that barbecue in 2019, and I will not forget it. I am bringing dinner on Tuesday at 6. I love you.'
For a coworker
'I was sad to learn that your father passed away. He sounded like a kind man from the stories you told. I will cover your Thursday calls this month.'
For a friend who lost a child
Use the child's name. Say, 'I am here. I will say Maya's name with you as long as you want to hear it.' Avoid any sentence that begins with 'At least.'
For a religious family
If you share their faith, a line such as 'I pray that God holds your family close' fits. If you do not share their faith, keep the message about the person and your care for the family.
Phrases to avoid
- 'At least she lived a long life.'
- 'Everything happens for a reason.'
- 'I know how you feel.'
- 'Let me know if you need anything.'
- 'He is in a better place,' unless you know the family shares that belief.
- 'You are so strong.'
How to send the card
Send the card within two weeks of learning about the death. Handwrite it. Print your last name under your signature if the recipient may not place you. Do not expect a reply. If you missed the funeral, send the card anyway. A late card still counts.